thelump.net

This Week in Lumps
#38 [12/02 - 18/02]

· Television loves idiots; whether it be the ones that actually sit and watch it, or the ones that they sit and watch. In fact, a lot of the nonsense that has been commissioned over the last decade seems to have been marketed at those who aren’t too keen on using an active brain to watch, or in fact an active brain to do anything; the kind that go around the office all day sprouting the latest comedy catchphrase of the moment; the kind that get so sucked in, that they start caring more about these people on TV than their own family and friends, even perhaps going as far as naming their children after people they watch on the box. This is mirrored in those who appear as stars for those channels too.

It makes me think that maybe the people creating, writing and producing the shows have just about the same level of idiocy running though their collective heads as the ones they aim the shows at. Apart from a few wonderful exceptions, such as the superb Planet Earth series, the strangely addictive QI and one off wonders like Black Books, the majority of TV shows that are collecting all the ratings all revolve around making normal people seem like celebrities (Big Brother, X-Factor), making celebrities seem like normal people (The Osbournes, Hogan Knows Best) or counting down a list of 100 things that normally you wouldn’t give two shits about.

The sad point is, the people creating, writing and producing the shows have done nothing wrong, they’ve just exploited what we, as a nation, have turned into: Zombie-like shadows of our former selves, comatosed in front of our microwaved dinners dribbling sauce on our chin as we’re glued to whats going on in “I’m a Celebrity…”, “Baby Mind Reader” or some other tedious half hour of bilge. This is where I climb up onto my metaphorical high horse and quote some Kurt Vonnegut at you, and you seem impressed:

“Future generations will look back on TV as the equivalent of the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Ancient Romans mad.”

So what can we do? Be a rock star for five minutes and throw the TV out of the bathroom window? No, of course not. We can’t just disregard TV like some used tissue; our brains are programmed to pay attention to movement, and TV aptly fills that void. The only viable option left to take is to choose our shows wisely. Don’t put up with guff that doesn’t teach you anything, or even remotely widens your views on life, love, death and everything in between, and most importantly, look out for these ten ‘knobs’, as they are your sure fire way to knowing that the programme you’re about to start watching is so mind-numbingly awful that you’ll need a brain enema by the time it’s finished.

Before I get into it, a quick disclaimer: I’m sure that each and every person I list here is, in reality, a lovely person, kind, caring and considerate, who are merely reduced to fronting shows to pay the bills, and that judging them is no different than judging myself for knowing who they are in the first place. That being said, here is the ten people I just can’t stand to appear on my TV screen:

Dominik Diamond
Sadly (for him), the GamesMaster is the first in line. Not because he’s the worst of the worst, but because he’s someone who fits the above description, and has done for a long long time. As an avid gamer, I’ve had to put up with his drivel, and inane points of view on video games and consoles since the mid-nineties, whereas now it seems his opinion on other things in life can be just as tedious. A regular on ‘The Richard and Judy Show’ talking about any topic he can squeeze his big mouth around, he’s also known for being an occasional ‘top 100′ contributor, including ‘The 100 Greatest War Films’ and ‘X Rated: Top 20 Most Controversial TV Moments’. His newspaper columns in the Star are not worth the paper they are printed on, and usually consist of cheap jibes at ‘easy’ targets, such as Chris Moyles, who is a much more popular version of someone who should not have appeared on TV after the millennium Bells struck. Luckily for us, Dominik has now been shoved into a radio corner, where hopefully he will grow old and dusty.

Gillian McKeith
Continuing the Scottish-ness of the list, We move on to this old hag.

Poor old Gillian, stuck pretending to be a credible nutritionist, when in fact she isn’t, sometimes credited as a Doctor, when in fact she isn’t, she was taken out of relative obscurity and given her own show, the now cancelled ‘You Are What You Eat’, in which she was reduced to fumbling though human poo to conclude that someone wasn’t eating correctly, despite said person having a complexion like they had been bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer, and were usually a stone or 7 above what they should weigh. Despite her TV shows, she has been described by people she works with as a “health televangelist”, a demoraliser, reducing people to tears by belittling and embarrassing them on their size and eating habits. Last year, McKeith presented ‘Three Fat Brides, One Thin Dress’, which was no better than the previous efforts to her name. Luckily, at 50, with her reputation falling just as fast as her sales, we may be seeing the last of her on our screens. Good riddance.

Dale Winton
TV’s equivalent of Tom Cruise trying to chat you up, Limp wristed Mr. Winton just can’t seem to get his smarmy, slimy face off of the television. With shows under his belt such as the unforgettable ‘Touch the Truck’, the unfathomable ‘Celebrity Fit Club’, his false wedding to Nell McAndrew in ‘Dale’s Wedding‘ as well as way too many Lottery shows that is emotionally impossible to list, Dale has done wonders to fill his career full of shit.

Known for having a tan so orange he could pass as an Oompa Loompa, he likes to come across as a ‘nice guy’, always game for a laugh, and a fan with housewives everywhere. Sadly, with this, his credibility in life has fallen so low that it passed the Titanic years ago. Now being the wrong side of 50, he is another who’s TV expiration date is long overdue, and will dwindle the rest of his career away behind a mic in a dark studio playing Spice Girls and wishing it was 1995 again.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
TPT: the it-girl of all British it-girls, albeit an it-girl so slow she has to whistle when she goes to the toilet so he knows which end to shit through.
Famous for being famous, she first came to the attention of the media her her un-ladylike antics, including her all night binges and well documented drug addiction. She hit a new high (or should that be low) during 2002, appearing on ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ and coming 2nd to a washed up DJ. She can be seen appearing on just about every show watched by the 16-34 age bracket, mostly channel 4 game shows and ITV chat shows, talking about nothing in particular, and wasting everyone’s time. Notable mentions include ‘Cold Turkey’, in which she tried to give up smoking (yet failed), and attempting to sing ‘Comic Relief does Fame Academy’ which she won, despite nobody really caring.

Now edging closer to 40, and even less attractive than before, all that’s left for TPT is, well… who cares?

Alex Zane
A controversial choice, perhaps, but still one that is valid, and in need of a good dissection.

After flunking out of two Uni degrees before 2nd year, and struggling to work a hard days life… ever, Zane moved into the easy life of media and television by starting out, you guessed it, in radio. Getting his whiny voice just about anywhere that would host him, he made his name on XFM, before finding his way to MTV, and eventually TV with Popworld. Since then, he has had nothing of any real interest to talk about, appearing on random ‘coverage’ shows such as ‘Space Cadets’, as well as ‘Death Wish Live’, and the more recent ‘Rude Tube’, which gets a notable mention for being the most horrible TV I’ve ever decided to sit though. Having to struggle along with Zane announcing over various YouTube vids “Here’s another one of my favourite clips” 99 times, you start to wonder why more people like him aren’t jumping on the bandwagon of ‘pretty faces who don’t have any actual talent.

He has also “stuck to his music roots” (whatever that means) by hosting coverage of several large scale music events, including the V Festival, and Wireless Festival. Expect more of this in the future, if you can bear it.

The concluding 5 next week.

~

· According to news released today, it seems the end is nigh for HD DVD. The latest blow to the brand is that Toshiba has come out and announced that it will be binning HD DVD players and recorders, after a week of “reviewing” its business strategies. Toshiba will now focus on other products in its range. All this after last weeks news that the UKs most popular department store John Lewis told the BBC this week that it did not expect to order more supplies of HD DVD players when current stocks run out. This comes to light as more and more stories are being released that Blu-Ray is the winner of the battle, but ignoring the 2200+ diggs it received on digg.com, it only seems to have been finished off this morning.

Of late, Toshiba is just one of the handful of companies that has had to slash retail prices of its HD DVD machines to be able to sell them in both the UK and the US. Reports suggest that in the UK, it wont just be John Lewis to pull the plug over the next few months, nay weeks. In the US, the format has been increasingly losing market share to rival Blu-Ray (which is supported by Sony Corp), along with other electronics makers, and five major Hollywood studios, all this despite appearing to have the nod less than 6 months ago.

A couple of recent announcements have further succeeded in eroding consumer confidence in the HD DVD format. Last month, Warner Bros Entertainment decided to release movie discs only in the Blu-ray format, becoming the latest Hollywood studio to reject HD DVD. A few days ago, Netflix US announced it will stop carrying rentals in HD DVD. Similar decisions were taken by major US retailers, including Target Corp, Blockbuster and Wal-Mart.

The main point to bring up is the tale of the tape: A HD-DVD disk does hold less data than a Blu-ray equivalent. Even since the launch, Blu-ray disks are not being pushed to their limit, and apparently there is much more expected of them, whereas HD DVD seems to have reached its peak way too early.

That may be the main point, but the bottom line is that now is not the time to purchase HD players; not only is this ‘war’ just coming to an end, but the prices are not so much ‘steep’, but ‘vertical’. Hopefully some of the technological fog will be clear, and prices and availability will be sorted by this Christmas. More on this over the summer.

~

· Concluding this week I must wish a ‘Happy 20th Birthday’ to Red Dwarf, which first aired on the 15th February, way back in 1988. An old favourite of mine, I was upset to learn that I haven’t actually sat and watched the show in a long time. On viewing episodes nearly two decades later, I’m convinced that it is not just one of the best comedy programmes around, but also one of the best sci-fi programmes ever.

Devised by the fantastic writing duo of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor (to be later known at Grant Naylor), the series ran until 1999 and became an amazing cult hit sitcom with a huge and dedicated fan following. Having prior credits to their name such as ‘Son of Cliché’, ‘Three Of A Kind’ and ‘Carrott’s Lib’, the duo moved on to become head writers and producers on ‘Spitting Image’. It was Red Dwarf, however, for which they are best known. There was a long arduous gap of 3 years between the writing of the pilot and the airing of the first series. The script was rejected by various BBC powers-that-be until it was finally picked up by BBC North, based in Manchester. Starring Craig Charles as Dave Lister, the last human being in the universe. He is a lowly technician on the mining ship Red Dwarf, he wakes up one day to find that the rest of the crew have been killed by a radiation leak. He has been in stasis for three million years. Joining him is Chris Barrie as Arnold Rimmer, his dead bunkmate brought back as a hologram, Danny John-Jules as something that over time evolved from the ships Cat, and Robert Llewellyn and mechanoid Kryten. By the 2nd series, it was a hit.

Dave, that crazily named digital TV channel, paid suitable tribute this weekend gone, dedicating a whole two days to the wonderfulness that is the Dwarf. You can currently pick up series I to IV and V to VIII, on Amazon for under £60, which is a total bargain for 24 constant hours of Red Dwarf.

And to conclude, there’s something a-happenin’ over at reddwarf.co.uk; a countdown with about 5 days left, what could it be?

~~~

That was the week in lumps, a week in which: a white Stag was spotted in the Highlands, the Star Wars film is delayed, the guys from diggnation released their own personalised tea blends (I’m very tempted, I love tea), RATM, The Verve, Kings of Leon and REM are set to play T in the Park 2008, how to sleep at work thanks to some stickers, and 20 pieces of advice from someone in the know.

and OOFT of the week goes to ten geeky Home Cinemas. In all honesty, this is something I would try to build. In fact, this would be the first room I’d try to make, and fit the rest of my house around it. Amazing.

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