thelump.net

This Week in Lumps
#26 [13/11 - 19/11]

· With the inevitability of getting old comes the inevitability of becoming more and more like our parents. As each day passes, you will find yourself complaining about the weather, moaning about the lack of respect from youths to their elders, and the inexcusably high price of a Mars bar. We (well, at least the majority of us will, I for one know that includes me) will one day become old moaning gits, annoying the company of our children and grandchildren, until they make their excuses and disappear back to their own homes. As if this isn’t depressing enough: it will take you three hours to get to the shops, whereas before it took you twenty minutes, you’ll gain a new found love for mushy foods, ground floor flats and Countdown, and, of course, the only thing more saddening than trying to explain to someone what life was like before the Internet, is that you’re so close to death you could swear the Grim Reaper was following you around Somerfields. And if that doesn’t give you enough reason to get off your arse and start living life a lot more, I don’t know what will.This all stems from the fact that as we grow older, realism kicks in, and it kicks in hard. The world just isn’t one big party, you don’t stay ‘best friends forever’, and throughout your whole working life you’ll find yourself stuck with people who are either the arse kissers, or the ones bent over their £2,500 desk with their Gucci trousers round their ankles. Maybe adult life would be more bearable if our youth wasn’t full of fake hopes and childish ignorance, like the Tooth Fairy, pocket money and Father Christmas. And that’s just it isn’t it? This time of year is second only to Valentines Day in ‘The Most Depressing Day of the Year’ award, and it’s because of the carefree happy-go-lucky days of our childhood, where we were lavished with presents and the lies that an overweight bearded man will squeeze down our chimneys and leave all sorts of presents that we just so happened to have aksed for in Toys ‘R’ Us a week weeks earlier. Bah Humbug!

In reality, it’s only a miserable time of the year because we allow ourselves to believe everything I’ve just typed. Sure, you can slouch on your sofa and say “pfft, whats the point of Christmas, I’m not even religious” but the fact of the matter is that Christmas is what you make of it. If you sit at home in your PJ’s, eating turkey sandwiches and watching the Eastenders omnibus, quietly wishing everyone would hurry back to reality, then fair play. The rest of us however like to spend time with family and friends, over a dinner that took days to cook (and takes 20 minutes to finish), next to a tree (so ugly it only comes out for 6 weeks of the year), and gifts that make no sense at all (but remember: it’s the thought that counts).

And in my own roundabout way I arrive on the subject I’m here to talk about. Presents: one of the most stressful things about the whole holiday. You spend the other 11 months of the year trying to save up for the things you really want; a car, or possibly Natalie Portman, then by the time you have enough, it’s time to splash out on brothers and sisters, mums and dads, aunties and uncles, grans and grandads, so come January 24th (the actual worst day of the year for this very reason) you’re once again skint, and starting from scratch, worried about when the bills may start appearing. But like I said, it’s the thought that counts. Admittedly, this level of thought is asking a bit too much for some people, so I’ve craftily created a list of ten items just about everyone in the family would crack a fake smile for. Some are new, some are old, some you wont touch with a bargepole, some you’ll be craving for as soon as you set eyes on it. So here you go:

1. The EZVision Video Eyewear.
2. That new album from that X Factor bird.
3. Richard Hammond’s new book: On The Edge.
4. Desperate Housewives Box Set Series 1-3.
5. The new Optimus Prime toy.
6. The Heroes Season 1 Box Set.
7. A Chocolate Fountain.
8. The new 3xCD Bob Dylan boxset.
9. Wii (if you can find one).
10. An iPod alarm clock.

~

· Ghostbusters is coming back! Okay, Okay, so it may only be in video game form, but still, I find this to be amazing news, and the video of the gameplay looks epic. From breitbart.com:

“The original trio of Ghostbusters will reunite for a new computer game based on the Eighties film. Dan Ackroyd, Harold Ramis and Bill Murray will record voice-overs in their first joint project since Ghostbusters 2, according to Vivendi Games. Ghostbusters: The Video Game was written by Dan Ackroyd and aims to capture the spirit of the original 1980s films.

Set on the streets of Manhattan, the game includes spooks and ghouls from the films. It includes the famous Who You Gonna Call? theme tune and gives players the chance to act out being a Ghostbuster themselves. Dan Ackroyd said the computer game was essentially the third Ghostbusters film, adding: “And it’s better than the third movie because it lasts longer, there’s more development of the characters.” He said the new game was set in 1991 when the characters are running a more successful business. “These characters are now older, more experienced, perhaps a little more jaded, more tough, with maybe not as compassionate a view of the spirits that they used to have,” he said.”

Several supporting cast members, such as William Atherton (Walter Peck), Brian Doyle Murray (as the team’s psychiatrist, who is more than likely the same character he briefly played in Ghostbusters II) and Annie Potts (Janine) have also signed on

It is set for a release around this time next year, and is in development for the PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2, Xbox 360, Wii, Nintendo DS, and PC. Expect more news to appear next summer, until then, check out this video on YouTube, which is sure to wet your appetite. It reminded me of this picture, taken by Jan Von Holleben, which is also ace.

~

· A month or so ago I was half way through writing an article on Bolton comedian Peter Kay, and how his most recent DVDs seem to be a rehash of old material he was performing back in the late 90′s. However I soon scrapped the idea when I decided that even though it was a decent enough topic that I could really get my teeth into, I was being unfair and decided it was better to let my feeling pass.

Cut to the present day. An advert flashed up on my TV which caught my attention; rare for a Christmas one to really do that, but as I’m fishing for ideas of things to get people, you realy need to keep an ear to the ground. The advert was on ITV I think, for a new DVD coming out this Christmas from the very man himself: Mr Kay. As he hasn’t toured in a while, I was very curious as to what material he was using. Of course, when you haven’t toured in a while, its because you haven’t written any new material in a while, and this is very much the case here. The DVD, titled ‘Stand Up UKay’ is what every Kay fan has been fearing since last year: yet another rip off, yet another cash in, yet another attempt to get more money out of his fans in the easiest way possible.

If it seems that I’m being harsh, I may need to explain the situation, and as I was once proud to call myself a Peter Kay fan, I feel I can do a fair review. Peter’s success came shortly after his 6 part series ‘That Peter Kay Thing’ back in 2000. After a handful of television appearences, the break came with his tour, and subsequent Blackpool video/DVD release ‘Live at the Top of the Tower’ in the same year. It may be an understatement to say that everyone loved it; it made catchprases popular again, with ‘Garlic Bread?’ from his stand-up and ‘Ave it!’ from the John Smith’s adverts being bellowed in playgrounds and offices countrywide. I too was one of the morons who continously shouted the catchphrases in awkward situations. Maybe if you hadn’t heard of him by 2001, you were about to, with the release of his co-written sitcom ‘Phoenix Nights’ which ran for 2 wonderful seasons. Couple this which another tour success, and follow up DVD ‘Live at the Bolton Albert Halls’ in 2003, and it seemed that Peter was on an unstoppable mission to rewrite British comedy. To his credit, he had done everything right so far, he had aimed his comedy at not just his age group, but to one that appealed to younger kids and parents parents alike.

So where did it go wrong?

Soon to hit stores in time for Christmas 2003 was ‘Peter Kay: The Live Collections’ (The previous two live shows combined) and then two years later ‘Peter Kay: Live At Manchester Arena’. The latter brought hefty criticism from both hardcore fans and journalist reviewers who bought the DVD unaware that it was from the same tour as his Bolton Albert Halls DVD, and therefore contained only two different jokes, with a vast majority of the same material, just in a slightly different order. A 2005 redesign of the box for the live collection was also soon to follow. His website, for the entire time it’s existed has only ever served as an online shop for exclusive (and expensive) merchandise. TV wise, the decision to spin off two of the charcters from Phoenix Nights in ‘Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere’ turned out to be a wrong one, as the series bombed from the beginning, with no strong storylines, weak characters (including the two main stars) and, overall, no funny jokes that we were used to (and expecting a continuation of) from the original series. The failings were only highlighted by the lack of the pair doing their own DVD commentary, instead roping others in to do it, and the release of a keep fit video (which also headed straight to the bargain bins). In fact, you know you’ve made it in showbiz when DVD companies dredge up all your old work in the hope of cashing in on your tide of popularity: releases of the dire Driven to Distraction seemed to be a desperate decision to keep peoples interest lukewarm, whilst appearences on chatshows such as The Paul O’Grady Show, and Parkinson were only used to promote this.

Whilst this was going on, many of the Pheonix Nights cast, including Dave Spikey (as Jerry St. Clair), Steve Edge and Toby Foster (as Los Alanos), and The Rumbergers (the very old ballroom dancers) played a few low key gigs in Manchester, taking the Phoenix Club on the road. Despite the sell-out success, the powers that be (strongly rumoured to be Kay himself) frowned upon the idea of the cast cashing in on the name and prevented further showings.

Many fans still kept their chins up, with hopes of a new tour and a 3rd series of Pheonix Nights always being rumoured about. However there were no tours, and no new series, only 2 charity singles released in 2005 and 2007, which gained him another 5 minutes of fame. Although for a good cause, surely it would have been better to just donate a cheque to the charties, rather than put everyone though the pain and torture of Amarillo over and over again.

And now this DVD. The blurb taken from the website reads:

Featuring classic routines especially chosen by the Great British public, including Garlic Bread, Dipping Biscuits, the dancing skills of people at weddings, as well as the video for the No. 1 smash-hit ‘(I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles’.

I’m sorry, but this is just not good enough. Why do we, the ‘Great British public’, the ones who made him the star that he is, have to put up with this garbage, this warmed up dogs dinner? What have we done to deserve yet another repeat of jokes that ceased to be funny after we heard them for the 10th or 11th time? Why do we have to buy this DVD when we could get funnier material from other comedians who always write new material for live shows, such as Jimmy Carr and Ricky Gervais? Why support his failing career, when we can buy the live shows of Bill Bailey and Ross Noble, who perform exceptional comedy to thousands of people night-in, night-out every single year?

I feel really disappointed for the people who buy this for their kids this Christmas, only to be left with a sour taste in their mouth. I’ve lost all faith in ever laughing at Peter Kay ever again.

~~~

That was the week in lumps, a week in which: The Beatles could soon be going digital, Bjork is coming back to the UK, Tim Burton is to make a 3-D film of Alice in Wonderland, Amazon release the Kindle, and wow, just wow: The World sunlight map.

and I leave you with a weird yet amusing headline: I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard in Balls I Tore a Tendon.

ttfn
x